The Selfless Relationship

One of the most beautiful and wonderful experiences that we can have as humans is that of relationship. In one sense, relationship is the only experience we have with the world - we appear to be constantly interacting with our environment in some sort of way, though the amount of meaning we attribute to these interactions varies. This attribution of meaning colors the way we perceive the world, and this coloring is largely responsible for the drama of human life. Our relationships with ourselves and others becomes distorted by our thoughts about them, and our belief in and attachment to these thoughts influences the way we approach life.

However, this thought-based approach to human relationship is not ultimately true. Upon contemplation, it is seen that these thoughts simply arise and fade away in our minds; they do not actually represent reality as we experience it. In fact, this attribution of meaning - this coloring of relationship - is the very source of our sense of separation and suffering. For example, when life takes the form of romantic relationship, often it appears that "problems" will arise in this relationship - often differences between preferences, personalities, and ways of viewing/doing things - and these "problems" can end up changing the direction of the relationship. A relationship that was once viewed through the filter of warm fuzzy feelings now becomes viewed through the judgment of these problems and perceived differences, and the relationship begins to falter. The more value that is given to these judgments, the more we feel separate, and as this sense of separation gains strength, we begin to feel more alienated and isolated from the flow of life. I see this as being one of the reasons why relationships tend to so easily fall apart after the "honeymoon phase"; one or both partners involved decide that since they are no longer experiencing these warm, fuzzy feelings, there must be something wrong with the relationship, and they leave - in search of those wonderful feelings they once had.

It appears to me that a similar storyline appears in our relationship with ourselves. We notice throughout our lives that at sometimes we feel elated and wonderful, and at other times we can be quite depressed. Unlike the romantic relationships we may enter into, however, we cannot leave our relationship with ourselves! Like it or not, you're in it until death. Although we cannot avoid our "negative" emotions (try as we may), we can investigate the way in which our relationship with ourselves contributes to them, and to the "positive" emotions as well.

One of the first steps in this investigation involves looking into the nature of the "self" in the first place. As has been said in many spiritual traditions - Buddhism, Advaita Vedanta, and all the "neo-" philosophies that branch off from them - the self is nothing but thought, a mental construct. Although this idea of "me" seems to be the primary ground from which we experience the world, this egocentric way of experiencing often does not point towards what is real. This is because this "me" is itself not the independent, stable thing we take to be, so in perceiving through it, we also perceive untruth to various degrees. To put it more simply, the more we believe in our own existence as a separate, independent thing, the more we will see the world as being separate from us. Much of Western society and psychology focuses on strengthening this individual identity, which can be quite necessary for optimal functioning as an independent entity in the relative world. However, for those interested in inquiring into the true nature of things, holding onto this separate "me" can be very counterproductive. This is why I have found it greatly beneficial to look into the beliefs and assumptions that keep this sense of separation in place.

Have you ever had an experience in which you firmly believed something, only to later be shown that this belief was false? For many, this is a quite humbling experience, because it forces us to let go of our beliefs (which we often tend to use to make us feel justified or superior) and admit to ourselves that we didn't know what we thought we knew. Recognizing the falsehood of this "I" - which for many is the deepest of held-onto thought processes - can also be extremely humbling, because in doing so, our world - or rather, our version of what we think the world is like - begins to unravel. Often times, this can be a rather long and perhaps painful process, especially when such beliefs are tied very closely to one's way of life. In allowing these beliefs to die, we feel like a part of ourselves is dying too - and it is! When we truly allow ourselves to die, we find that either we construct a new belief to hold onto, or we remain a little more open and vulnerable, no longer using our beliefs to protect us.

I have found that this process of letting go of beliefs, layer by illusory layer, to be a rather arduous and painstaking way of attempting to awaken. This is because the very "I" that is trying to let go and awaken is the thing that is keeping us stuck in the egoic state of consciousness. In this way, it is much like a one-armed person attempting to cut off his remaining hand, using only his one hand to do so (why one would want to do such a thing, I don't know, but the metaphor works so I'm going with it). There may be small successes here and there, but ultimately he must rely on something other than himself to do the job.

It is much simpler to, instead of working to let go of our beliefs, to recognize the falsehood of the thing that believes it has beliefs. This does not require all the things that spiritual seekers think will help them awaken, like hours of daily meditation, retreats, satsangs, books, etc. All that is required is the recognition, in the moment, that our thoughts are inherently false. Even in this recognition it is not necessary that our actions change - it is quite possible to have a thought stream of "He is an asshole. That thought that he is an asshole is false. Even the thought that I am a thing separate from this asshole is false, because these thoughts are just arising and dissolving in consciousness...but I still believe he is an asshole", and then continue to go on doing whatever it is we do when we encounter assholes. This is not meant to excuse our actions that are motivated by "unenlightened" thought, but rather to demonstrate that sometimes it may appear to take time for what is known on the level of the mind to "sink in" and be seen at a deeper level. When we truly see through the "I", we find that this entire thought process either no longer arises, or that it arises but is no longer held onto, and that our sense of being the space in which these thoughts arise does not change.

So how does this relate to relationship? Well, when we recognize that our thoughts are in no way inherently true, we no longer feel motivated to act upon them in the ways we had previously. When we no longer perceive through the filter of thought, the assholes simply become people we simply do not wish to be around, instead of people we spend energy being angry at. We may also find that our friendships may change. Many people enter into relationship with other people because the other people's strengths and weaknesses nicely complement our own strengths and weaknesses. If we find that we often buy into the thought "I am a victim, the world is out to get me", we may enter into relationship with people that either encourage these thought patterns or serve as the a savior to rescue us from our own self-pity. When we drop the belief in victimhood, we find that we can stand on our own two feet, and perhaps we no longer feel an attraction to the person's personality because we had previously been using it for our own comfort. It is important to judge no one in these types of situations, as like all experiences, friendships come and go, and it is more important to stay true to ourselves than to cling to old relationships simply because we think we should.

The most important relationship to evolve, however, is the relationship with yourself. In allowing our thoughts of ourselves to pass through our minds without judging them as good and bad, a certain capacity to love opens up within us. We may still get pulled into depression or become arrogant at times, but when we recognize and accept all of the experiences that come and go in our lives - including the way we experience ourselves - we become able to tend to ourselves with love and tenderness, instead of with judgment. We soon learn that all the distinctions we make, such as "inner world" and "outer world", "enlightened" and "unenlightened", "me" and "you", etc., often only serve to comfort the thought-based self in an attempt to find security in an ultimately empty and groundless reality. And even these egoic attempts are seen for what they are and loved completely. Our hearts and minds open up to the world, and life is seen for what it is - God dancing with itself, simply because it can.

Love and laughter,

Justin

Dilemma!

Question: "Okay, I know that spiritual awakening is something that I are interested in and would like to pursue. How do I do it?"

Answer: You don't! And here's why: "you" are not the one who is actually waking up! Awakening is a completely spontaneous process through which the ideas about ourselves fall away. When we experience reality, there tends to be a lot of thinking involved. We take what we see, analyze and interpret it, and then call our interpretation of what we see the truth. Essentially, what each of us calls reality is a collection of ideas that we tell ourselves about reality. We have made most of it up. We have drawn a bunch of conclusions about what we think the world is like based on our life's experience of it, and hold these conclusions to be true. However, when we hold these ideas to be true, they serve as filters that distort our perception of reality. Instead of seeing things as they truly are, we see things according to our interpretation.

One of the most influential of these ideas that we tell ourselves is the idea of a personal "me". This is the ego - the collection of stories that answer the question "Who am I?". We think of ourselves as being separate, individual beings that navigate the world, yet any true awakening experience shows that this isn't true. In moments of enlightenment, when reality is seen for what it really is, there is always an absence of self. The personal "me" and all the ideas associated with it are removed, taking the filters that distort our perception with it, and reality is perceived as being what it really is: One. There is no separation between subject and object; both the perceiver and what is being perceived are recognized as being connected in such a way so that they are actually the same thing. There is only one being. From this way of perception, one can see that reality is this One Being experiencing itself. There may be an infinite number of viewpoints from within this One Being, and your experience is one of these viewpoints, but it is still One. This does not mean that there is one being that is surrounded by nothingness, or one being that is separate from everything else. In fact, nothingness and the One are the same thing.

This is why "you" cannot actually do anything to awaken, because "you" are not actually there. In moments of awakening, "you" do not exist. The ego has no part in awakening, because the ego is what is awoken from. The egoic state of consciousness - full of thoughts and ideas and beliefs and identities - is completely shed, and what is left is the recognition of Oneness. This One Being (a.k.a. God/Spirit/Love/Source/Dao/Self/Buddhamind/enlightenment/awakeness/consciousness/Reality) realizes that everything actually is One, and the previously experienced sense of separation is only an illusion.

We cannot ego our way into Enlightenment because as long as we are trying to manipulate our experience, we are saying "I need this set of conditions to be Enlightened", forgetting that enlightenment is the natural state of things; everything is already One, whether you are experiencing things that way or not. When you are directing experience in order to meet a condition, you can be sure that in some way you are turning to thought as a source of truth. You have an idea about what circumstances must be necessary for enlightenment, and are then trying to make those circumstances manifest. But this is just more thought, more ego! Thoughts can never actually be true; Truth lies in the things the thoughts represent. Even these words are not true in of themselves. No word, concept, or thought can ever bring a person to enlightenment, as Who You Are is outside the realm of the mind. This is why awakening must entail a dropping of beliefs, because beliefs reside in the mind, which is the source of our sense of separation.

Although awakening is a spontaneous event and you cannot truly make yourself wake up, you can bring about the conditions that favor awakening. The most common and probably most effective tool that can be used for awakening, spiritual development, and life in general is meditation. Meditation is a practice that has the by-product of stilling and settling the mind, allowing the constant stream of thoughts to slow down. When this happens, we are able to rest in the gaps of silence between thoughts. These gaps create the space for awakening to occur. This is why many people have insights during meditation; with a still mind, they are able to see through all the false beliefs that were distorting their perception of a situation, and are now able to see it with a clearer mind. Meditation alone, however, does not guarantee Enlightenment. Even if a person reaches a meditative state in which their is no thought, if there is still a separation between the meditator and what he or she is experiencing, there is still ego. In order for this ego to further dissolve, one must practice another importance to awakening: acceptance.

True acceptance entails not resisting whatever one is experiencing. Whenever we are resisting the present moment and attempting to manipulate our situation, we are acting from ego. Resistance implies a belief that the current situation isn't good enough, so there is a need to change the experience to something that is "better". Again - all of these ideas lie in the mind. This is why it can be very beneficial to remember the Daoist phrase "Go with the flow." When we go with the flow, we accept the circumstances we are given and harmonize with it, instead of resisting it and trying to change it. The more we go with the flow, the less we are acting from our ego-based identity, and Who You Are is able to manifest itself more easily.

Other general tips for improving the conditions for an awakening experience include practicing love, compassion, and forgiveness; attempting to see things from other people's points of view; engaging in activities that require that one be immersed in the moment, such as competitive sports, playing a musical instrument - any activity, really, as pretty much all activities can be performed in a mindful, conscientious way.

But really. Meditate.

Namaste,

Justin

Why awaken?

When many people hear about spiritual awakening or enlightenment, they are often given a sales pitch of happiness, feelings of peace and oneness with the universe, and a complete cessation of suffering. While awakening may or may not incorporate some of these things at various times, they have absolutely nothing to do with awakening itself. Awakening is not about happiness, peace, love, joy, or any other emotion or state of consciousness. Awakening is about realizing the truth of who you are. This is why it often ends up being a very trying process for many people, because in the process, they also realize everything that they are not. This means that all false identities that we hold up begin to lose their power over us; and we see that many of the things we tell ourselves about ourselves are actually untrue.

The promises of bliss that are given in many spiritual traditions often lure people into thinking that awakening is a magical transformation that opens one up to divine happiness - and indeed it can be! However, awakening is not a self-improvement program, or a get-happy scheme. It is the ultimate quest for truth, and for most, requires a good deal of active participation and even struggle and suffering, depending on how much one resists his or her situation. Although the realization of truth can be very rewarding, seeking enlightenment because you want to reap the benefits is not going to work. We are told that enlightenment entails divine union with God, but what if in your search, you find this not to be true? Are you prepared for that? What if the truth is that you are stuck in the Matrix, merely thinking you have control over your life? What if the truth is that you're a character in an inter-dimensional game of The Sims? Would you be ready to accept these ideas, if they truly represented who you were? This radical acceptance of the truth - acceptance of What Is - is often difficult, because we find out that the Truth might not fit into our view of reality, and we are forced to either change or continue living a lie - and the latter option rarely works for any length of time, although it is nearly inevitable that spiritual seekers will try to prolong some of their delusions as long as possible before they can no longer bear it.

Although I may downplay the by-products of awakening, I cannot deny that they exist. As our attachment to ideas, experiences, states of consciousness, and circumstances drop, we see that true happiness and contentment cannot be found within them. Instead, it begins to arise spontaneously, regardless of what situation we find ourselves in. Whenever we are unhappy, it is almost undoubtedly because we are resisting some aspect of reality - we don't like things the way they are. By dropping our attachment to ideas of how things should be in order for us to be happy, happiness begins to arise through acceptance. It's quite the paradox. In order to be happy, we have to stop thinking so damn hard about what makes us happy! We may think we know which conditions or experiences will bring us lasting happiness - whether it be money, a great relationship, etc. - but deep down, we all know that these things will not last forever. All things are temporary. We can either run from this knowledge and keep seeking, searching, trying, doing, in order to bring about temporary conditions of ego-based happiness, or live in the present moment and find happiness in things because they are temporary, not in spite of it. This can lead to profound feelings of gratitude and contentment. This may sound contradictory to what many of us have believed for all our lives, but in my experience, that's the way things are. If our happiness is based on outside conditions, how can we be happy in the moment if we know that our happiness will disappear along with the conditions that support it? Then we'll just have to play the game of trying to find happiness and trying to make it last, only to have it fail again, and the cycle continues. How about we stop trying to be happy, and actually be happy?

Namaste,

Justin

What is awakening?

For the vast majority of people living today, the world is perceived through what I call the egoic state of consciousness - that is, a way of perceiving things that is based on separation, resistance, and ultimately leads to suffering. Trying to pin down exactly what the egoic state of consciousness is, however, can be tricky, as it is all most of us have ever known. To act from ego means to act from a place the reinforces one's sense of being an individual, autonomous being that is separate from his or her environment. When we try to control situations, hold beliefs, convince others that we are right - among an infinite number of things - we are expressing ourselves as being distinct and separate from others. In short, the ego is the thing all of us call "I". If I say that I mowed the lawn, I am implying that I am a distinct entity that is imposing its will upon its environment.

The ego is the part of us that attaches to different thoughts, beliefs, and identities. For example, many of us may think of ourselves as being the roles that we fill - I am a brother, I am a student, I am a good person, I am a Christian, I am a badass - yet none of these things truly say who one is. Who we are is comprised of so many different facets that one can never be pinned downed by using finite labels and concepts. This is partly what is meant when it is said that human nature is infinite: who you are will always be greater than the sum of your parts.

To give an example of how ego works, let's take the idea "I am a student". The word "student" is a word that comes with a bundle of ideas about it - chiefly, someone who is in school. So when I say "I am a student", I am taking this bundle of ideas and applying it to me. But what are ideas? Ideas are nothing but thoughts. So in essence, I am taking a group of thoughts and saying "I am these thoughts", or more specifically, "I am what these thoughts represent". However, more often than not, our attachment to thought is what leads to suffering, because our attachment to a fixed idea denies us the capacity for change. If I think of myself as being a student, what happens when I am no longer in school? I am no longer a student. In other words, I can no longer truthfully attach myself to the idea that is "student". Since when we are students we are all aware that we will one day no longer be in school, it doesn't cause us too much pain when we can no longer identify as students. But what if the identity you are attaching to is something like "good wife", and then you end up getting divorced? Who you thought you were has been completely ripped away from you, which can often lead to an identity crisis and a good deal of suffering.

This is why the egoic state of consciousness will inevitably always lead to suffering: the things that the ego attaches to are always going to change. The universe is always in a state of flux; nothing remains the same forever. When we try to hold onto certain feelings, beliefs, or experiences, we set ourselves up to suffer, because all things are impermanent. As long as our happiness depends upon some sort of outside idea, experience, or circumstance, we will never have unwavering peace. This is why one of the greatest components of awakening is learning to accept things as they are. Acceptance entails non-resistance, whereas the egoic state of consciousness always resists things as they are. We tend to think things like "The experience that I am having right now isn't bringing me enough happiness, so now I must change my experience so that it fits my idea of what will bring me happiness", so we then go out and try to make the world fit our idea of perfection. This generates an overall feeling of lack in people's lives. When we think so much about how much other situations or experiences could be better than what we have right now, we start to view what we do have as deficient. And as long as we are resisting what is happening in the present moment, how can we ever be happy?

This is the game of the ego, and if if the current state of the world is any indicator, it plays its game well. When we are being unaccepting or judgmental, when we mentally resist our current situation, and when fail to act compassionately of some idea we are holding onto in our heads, we can be sure that we are perceiving things egoically.

What is awakening?

Awakening is the process of dropping our attachments to ideas we have. A very, very large factor in our perception of the world is based on the ideas that we hold onto. This includes all beliefs, identities, dogmas, prejudices, and subconscious and unconscious conditioning we may have. When we experience the world, our experiences are always interpreted by ideas that are held in the mind. They serve as filters that distort or perception of reality, so that the way we perceive the world ends up being quite different from the way things actually are. One obvious example of the filtering we do can be seen in racial stereotyping. By believing in different things (and remember that a belief is nothing but ego attaching to a thought) about groups of people, our experiences of other races are altered by our preconceived notions of them.

During the awakening process, our attachment to thought becomes less and less, so that we perceive things as they really are, as opposed to how our minds have interpreted them to be. Awakening must entail a detachment from thought, because enlightenment is about Truth, and no thought is actually true. For many people, this may sound like a preposterous statement. "Of course thoughts are true! I think the sun is in the sky, and that certainly seems to be true - I can see it right there!" It may appear to be this way, but when we view how thoughts actually work, we see that "The sun is in the sky" is a thought about reality, it is not reality itself. It is a concept that points toward the truth. The fact that the sun is in the sky is true regardless of whether there is any idea about it - all truth is self-evident, because the truth is reality itself. As soon is the truth is spoken, it is immediately conceptualized and conveyed and interpreted by the mind, which results in a distortion of the truth. Even these words you are reading right now - they are not the truth. They are my interpretation of the truth - the truth as expressed through Justin.

Awakening often results in suffering for many people, as they find that they are no longer able to hold onto the beliefs about the world that they used to. If someone had built a career for his or herself out of egoic, selfish reasons (*cough cough* health insurance companies), they may come to the realization that they are never going to find happiness in acquiring wealth and material goods. Upon seeing this, they may feel driven to change careers and start a new, more honest way of living. A husband might begin to move away from past habits and ways of thinking that kept the marriage together. As he grows out of thought-based egoic consciousness, he may begin a lifestyle that is more true to himself, but is incompatible with his wife's way of living. Many people do not anticipate the "dirty work" that is required during awakening. It is a complete upheaval of all conditioned beliefs that distort our perception of reality. For people deeply enmeshed in egoic consciousness, this may entail a complete redirecting of one's life goals and way of living.

Although this process of detachment may be painful at times, it can also be very rewarding. When we do not look to thought as a source of truth, we begin to feel more connected with others and our environment, we find ourselves able to stay in the moment more often and for a longer duration, we find inner peace, and life starts to develop a natural flow and rhythm to it.

If you find yourself often in conflict with a particular person or situation, ask yourself: "What thought am I holding onto that is causing me to resist?" Upon becoming aware of our attachments to thought, we are able to gently detach from them and allow our perception of reality to become a little bit clearer.

Namaste.

Justin