However, this thought-based approach to human relationship is not ultimately true. Upon contemplation, it is seen that these thoughts simply arise and fade away in our minds; they do not actually represent reality as we experience it. In fact, this attribution of meaning - this coloring of relationship - is the very source of our sense of separation and suffering. For example, when life takes the form of romantic relationship, often it appears that "problems" will arise in this relationship - often differences between preferences, personalities, and ways of viewing/doing things - and these "problems" can end up changing the direction of the relationship. A relationship that was once viewed through the filter of warm fuzzy feelings now becomes viewed through the judgment of these problems and perceived differences, and the relationship begins to falter. The more value that is given to these judgments, the more we feel separate, and as this sense of separation gains strength, we begin to feel more alienated and isolated from the flow of life. I see this as being one of the reasons why relationships tend to so easily fall apart after the "honeymoon phase"; one or both partners involved decide that since they are no longer experiencing these warm, fuzzy feelings, there must be something wrong with the relationship, and they leave - in search of those wonderful feelings they once had.
It appears to me that a similar storyline appears in our relationship with ourselves. We notice throughout our lives that at sometimes we feel elated and wonderful, and at other times we can be quite depressed. Unlike the romantic relationships we may enter into, however, we cannot leave our relationship with ourselves! Like it or not, you're in it until death. Although we cannot avoid our "negative" emotions (try as we may), we can investigate the way in which our relationship with ourselves contributes to them, and to the "positive" emotions as well.
One of the first steps in this investigation involves looking into the nature of the "self" in the first place. As has been said in many spiritual traditions - Buddhism, Advaita Vedanta, and all the "neo-" philosophies that branch off from them - the self is nothing but thought, a mental construct. Although this idea of "me" seems to be the primary ground from which we experience the world, this egocentric way of experiencing often does not point towards what is real. This is because this "me" is itself not the independent, stable thing we take to be, so in perceiving through it, we also perceive untruth to various degrees. To put it more simply, the more we believe in our own existence as a separate, independent thing, the more we will see the world as being separate from us. Much of Western society and psychology focuses on strengthening this individual identity, which can be quite necessary for optimal functioning as an independent entity in the relative world. However, for those interested in inquiring into the true nature of things, holding onto this separate "me" can be very counterproductive. This is why I have found it greatly beneficial to look into the beliefs and assumptions that keep this sense of separation in place.
Have you ever had an experience in which you firmly believed something, only to later be shown that this belief was false? For many, this is a quite humbling experience, because it forces us to let go of our beliefs (which we often tend to use to make us feel justified or superior) and admit to ourselves that we didn't know what we thought we knew. Recognizing the falsehood of this "I" - which for many is the deepest of held-onto thought processes - can also be extremely humbling, because in doing so, our world - or rather, our version of what we think the world is like - begins to unravel. Often times, this can be a rather long and perhaps painful process, especially when such beliefs are tied very closely to one's way of life. In allowing these beliefs to die, we feel like a part of ourselves is dying too - and it is! When we truly allow ourselves to die, we find that either we construct a new belief to hold onto, or we remain a little more open and vulnerable, no longer using our beliefs to protect us.
I have found that this process of letting go of beliefs, layer by illusory layer, to be a rather arduous and painstaking way of attempting to awaken. This is because the very "I" that is trying to let go and awaken is the thing that is keeping us stuck in the egoic state of consciousness. In this way, it is much like a one-armed person attempting to cut off his remaining hand, using only his one hand to do so (why one would want to do such a thing, I don't know, but the metaphor works so I'm going with it). There may be small successes here and there, but ultimately he must rely on something other than himself to do the job.
It is much simpler to, instead of working to let go of our beliefs, to recognize the falsehood of the thing that believes it has beliefs. This does not require all the things that spiritual seekers think will help them awaken, like hours of daily meditation, retreats, satsangs, books, etc. All that is required is the recognition, in the moment, that our thoughts are inherently false. Even in this recognition it is not necessary that our actions change - it is quite possible to have a thought stream of "He is an asshole. That thought that he is an asshole is false. Even the thought that I am a thing separate from this asshole is false, because these thoughts are just arising and dissolving in consciousness...but I still believe he is an asshole", and then continue to go on doing whatever it is we do when we encounter assholes. This is not meant to excuse our actions that are motivated by "unenlightened" thought, but rather to demonstrate that sometimes it may appear to take time for what is known on the level of the mind to "sink in" and be seen at a deeper level. When we truly see through the "I", we find that this entire thought process either no longer arises, or that it arises but is no longer held onto, and that our sense of being the space in which these thoughts arise does not change.
So how does this relate to relationship? Well, when we recognize that our thoughts are in no way inherently true, we no longer feel motivated to act upon them in the ways we had previously. When we no longer perceive through the filter of thought, the assholes simply become people we simply do not wish to be around, instead of people we spend energy being angry at. We may also find that our friendships may change. Many people enter into relationship with other people because the other people's strengths and weaknesses nicely complement our own strengths and weaknesses. If we find that we often buy into the thought "I am a victim, the world is out to get me", we may enter into relationship with people that either encourage these thought patterns or serve as the a savior to rescue us from our own self-pity. When we drop the belief in victimhood, we find that we can stand on our own two feet, and perhaps we no longer feel an attraction to the person's personality because we had previously been using it for our own comfort. It is important to judge no one in these types of situations, as like all experiences, friendships come and go, and it is more important to stay true to ourselves than to cling to old relationships simply because we think we should.
The most important relationship to evolve, however, is the relationship with yourself. In allowing our thoughts of ourselves to pass through our minds without judging them as good and bad, a certain capacity to love opens up within us. We may still get pulled into depression or become arrogant at times, but when we recognize and accept all of the experiences that come and go in our lives - including the way we experience ourselves - we become able to tend to ourselves with love and tenderness, instead of with judgment. We soon learn that all the distinctions we make, such as "inner world" and "outer world", "enlightened" and "unenlightened", "me" and "you", etc., often only serve to comfort the thought-based self in an attempt to find security in an ultimately empty and groundless reality. And even these egoic attempts are seen for what they are and loved completely. Our hearts and minds open up to the world, and life is seen for what it is - God dancing with itself, simply because it can.
Love and laughter,
Justin
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